return to innocence: rated x

edits: none
subject: boss.kwini
location: tagaytay

“jex…… is that what you call yourself nowadays?” jeni quipped.
My eyes were gleaming with joy, my heart thundered and I felt a little exhilaration as I proudly nod.

“look at me, look into my eyes. You… do you honestly believe yourself about this – about the existence of this so called jex!? Do you expect me to just smile and pat you on the back for becoming this piece of garbage? I know and you know that this is a farce; that your so called jex is nothing more than a mere lie and illusion. Let me point out to you that you never was a/the jexamine right from the start and you will never ever be! “
My jaw just dropped and my eyes bulge as I hear her say this. I felt a sudden cold rush from deep within and I knew that this won’t be one of our usual conversations.

“look at me! You’re a disgrace! Right now, at this bench, the one sitting beside me is a pathetic excuse of a human being. Who the hell are you!? Give me back my xieghart (sh’ghart). The one that loves anarchy, the one who can forge cold and ruthless spear with his words, the one who’s so grim and mysterious. I don’t want you, hell I don’t even need you because you’re a wuss. It is very disheartening to say that I can’t even see a hint of him in you and I don’t know if he’s still there, somewhere within.

You never trusted anybody else that’s why you have a small, elite circle of friends. What happened to you!? You WERE a manipulator, a schemer – you’re the one pulling all the strings to make puppets out of everybody just for your personal enjoyment and satisfaction and yet now you’re…”

By sheer disappointment, jeni didn’t even bother mouthing what she was supposed to say next. Everything became silent and all we can hear were the crisp sound of the grass as people trample on them back and forth. The shade of the trees didn’t even help me to somewhat dodge the heat brought forth by the fusion of jeni’s rage and the weather’s fury. This is the very first instance that I heard these aggressive words from her. I somehow had the guts to take a glance in her eyes and all I can see was conviction personified. Jeni’s always behind me and never meddled with what my decisions are. She’s always calm, compose, collected and supportive so one can only imagine how stunned and speechless I was; how much of a shocker it was. As an eerie and desperate cry for resolve, all I can mutter was

“jeni, people change… sometimes in an unthinkable manner”

What happened next was… was unexplainable and utterly bizarre. Jeni, my jeni, stood up and with a dagger like gaze, she swung her arm and gave me a slap right in the kisser. It all happened so fast and yet so slow. It was like an 88-frame movie clip rolling for a mere 2 seconds. My ear was still ringing and I just didn’t know how to respond. My right hand slowly started to motion towards my right cheek as I feel the bitter sting of reality. I was humbled by the experience but jeni’s stance remains unfazed. I can feel the visions of the bystanders piercing right through me but one thing’s amiss – I didn’t even know what I did to deserve the “wrath of god”. The clubhouse was suddenly filled with silence and controversy until this sweet little girl came and handed my glasses that flew a couple of feet away.

Jeni began to somewhat calm down and returned to her original form

“xieg”, her voice is trembling “what you just said was unacceptable – what you just said was a whole lot of BS. Let me give you a refresher, it is you that said this to me before. You told me a few moons back that circumstance, environment and situations change but not people. You said that we are incapable of such. We merely adapt to what the sich presents. You, of all people, should know that… well at least what you WERE.”

The golden orange haze brought forth by what’s supposedly an intimate afternoon was belittled and overshadowed by jeni’s crimson angst and aggravation.

“when you were lethargic, when you were limping because of what happened between you and your jennesis, I was elated. Wanna know the reason behind it? It is simply because during those times that you became a hybrid – you became sadistic but compassionate; you became rude and evil but exudes goodliness from within; you’ve barricaded your hearts with barbed wires and yet you still opted to give love to those who are in need of them. During those times, my dear, that you became xieg and you made an instant exodus to the fantasy world.

That incident only reinforces your stand in people – to never trust them. After that bittersweet episode in your life, you began toying with people, a notch higher than what you usually do. What I love about it was the fact that you manipulated their consciousness and their emotions, making them believe what was otherwise. You were always one step ahead of everybody, emulating those that you regard as your role models in the upper echelon.”

I was taken aback at what she just said because every word that jeni’s throwing was undeniably dead-on. It reminded me how I loathe people; in fact, I despise every single one of them because they are all useless, miserable, expendable. The only purpose they serve in my life is to provide me with amusement, to toy with them and make them cry or feel worthless. Jeni’s trying to drive a point, no doubt about it, but it is only by this time that it became evident. I stood up and walked a few steps away from jeni but her words are persistently echoing and bouncing back and forth within my consciousness. I was extremely bothered that all of the dormant “what-if’s” deep in my skull started sprouting like daisies in the hidden mist. Then I began to divulge on the thought of what jeni’s trying to push within me. I began to realize that I became the person that I hate the most. I am already having doubts when I felt this little something hanging on my neck. No, it was not a choker as everyone was implying. It was the very first thing that someone gave me – a necklace from baguio city. Then it suddenly became apparent to me that what I was now was very much worth the journey, then a hint of smile graced my already worried expression.

I went back to the bench and held jeni by her shoulders.
“jeni, though I’ve changed a lot, one thing still remains – that I will hold on to my word. My promise is my life, you know that for a fact. Jeni, I promised someone that…. That I’ll wait for her, no matter what that means and no matter how long it will take. This is the reason that I’m trying to make you understand.”

Jeni’s eyes began to bulge; she was fuming as she forcefully removed my grasp from her shoulders. She again took a huge swing and slapped me in the face as tears were beginning to form from her eyes.

“I remembered you promised a wedding to a certain Rachel before. If my memory serves me right, you actually proposed to her and she was so ecstatic about it. You’re actually making plans about it, from the number of people to invite all the way to the black and crimson motif. Now tell me, what happened to that huh!? Where’s the ‘my word is my life’ honor there huh!? If that ‘s part of you playing tricks to other people’s emotions then hats off to you but I doubt that that was the case.”

“I’m tired of this senseless blabbering. Unless you snap out of this jexamine persona, don’t you ever talk to me again. You’re asking for a bitch-slap from harle, from 7th-angel, from jennylicious well here it is. Am doing the stuff that they don’t have the balls to say and do. Don’t mind me, I’ll go home alone for some time, you should head back to your house too. Don’t bother checking up on me, we’re through!”

return to innocence

edits: none
location: nueva ecija

It’s been a while since I last set foot on eden – an epitome of solitude and serenity aptly named by 2 individuals. It’s been a while since I was lost in awe by the grandeur of the sunset’s orange haze. But most notably, it’s been a while since I last look at jeni the way I’m looking at her right now.

Jeni’s more than a friend; she’s more than a cohort. She’s the first to captivate my fragile, unstable heart and hold it in her warm and sweaty palms. I’ve written a post about her somewhere in here but that too was put in a miserable cryogenic slumber. She knows me very well and she can read me like a map that is why I am reluctant as I look into her eyes and her to mine. I didn’t even have the guts of talking to/about jeni if it weren’t for shan (yes! You remember him. Our protagonist in one kiss… one last time). I mustered all the courage I can gather and asked jeni for a stroll, much like reliving what was. Her innocent emerald eyes were lock deep into mine only to shy away from my humble request. Upon knowing this, I heard a couple of brittle parts in my body crack and cry. Frozen by perhaps utter disbelief and shock, the entity within me refused to digest what just happened. I cannot and will not accept any more rejection – not from the one that I love. I tried to keep myself in check – to act calm and collected but was soon followed by an enormous disappointing sigh. Like a fallen wrestler in the squared circle, I agonizingly turned my back from her but with my head still held up high. As I was about to take my eighth step towards the exit, I heard some subtle footsteps right behind me. I stopped, slowly turned around and saw my jeni in all her glamour as the wind accentuates her hair and the fragrance of the orchids playfully dances with the smile of both her eyes and lips.

We went to the subdivision’s clubhouse and sat on a nearby bench. This very same bench was where 2 individuals usually convene just to laze, talk and fool around. It is also in this bench where the 2 individuals made a pact – that they’ll be at each other’s side through hell and back. Knowing this intimate secret and the significance of the setting, Jeni felt especially uncomfortable and timid but I assured her that my eyes are only meant for her, especially for her. I realized that we have a lot of grounds to cover so I wasted little time to be in the story-teller-man mode. Jeni and I sat on that very same bench as I fired the opening salvo.

I started blabbering about tina. Tina’s the one helping me recuperate one baby step at a time. I gave her my trust, my time and my laugh. I appointed her as the one to brighten up my day, make me feel light and ecstatic. She single-handedly came up with the rainbow mails with which we talk about a lot of things. The more time I talk to her and the more time we exchange views, the more I became fond of her. At first, the rainbow mails were just a way to pass some time, but it became more than that as the day progresses. In mere days, she instantly became my harle and I was her joker; I was his topak and she was my toyo. She became an infinitely vital part of my day and my life that a day without her is totally meaningless. I didn’t hold back and told her how I feel – how empty it would be for me should I not hear from her even for a day. She understands and was sympathetic but we both understand, even without a written contract nor spoken words, that in due time, she will eventually need some rest. She was my bully and I was her scammer. Our personalities clash and yet we seamlessly complement one another. I was so engross of talking about my harle that by the time I took a glimpse in jeni’s eyes, I knew exactly what she was thinking which was then followed by somewhat of a devilish smirk.

Sunset is especially beautiful during these times. The clouds are covered with golden orange hue as they reflect on jeni’s emerald eyes.

“I love you so much jeni” suddenly came out of my mouth. It’s not that I don’t mean it, it’s just we were both caught of guard by the words, that I myself uttered. As she was getting ready to fix her hair into a ponytail, she caught me staring at her. Jeni’s the type that has the potential to standout in the crowd and top that with the fact that she’s friendly, I’ll give her that credit. But for some reason, she chose to stay with me in this god-forsaken journey toward oblivion.

As the sun was bidding adieu, I told her one important addition in my life – her name was leexl(li-sh'l). Leexl and I are yet to make beautiful music together and we’re just starting to feel each other. I, for one, admit that we are just on that friendship stage. I really and intimately wanna know her – who she is, what she’s like and how we can work things out.

“xieg, happiness is an understatement right now for me. I missed you so much and I longed for you. This leexl, make sure that she’s really worth your time. Make sure that this time around, she won’t falter nor ignore you. I love you so much and I pray that this leexl will love you as much, if not more than, as I do.” Jeni quipped.

I reached for jeni’s hand and felt the warmth that I almost forgot and I thought was forever lost.

“I’m back jeni.”