Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The cellar

edits: none
photo: stock

Coming off from a gut-wrenching heartbreak, he decided to once again be employed by a company that has no affinity with himself or his skillset. But what can he do!? What choice does he has!? At this point of his life, he’s willing to grab the first wagon that will come along the way. (Un)fortunately, it was this company. He was growing weary and desperate – desperate of finding someone or something that will aid him to pass his motionless time, to make him forget (somehow) the inevitable reality.

Having zilch drive, passion, inspiration and reason, he lethargically woke up at his usual time of 8:48 a.m. Took a bath, ate brunch and off he pedaled to what is deemed as a homecoming. The bus he took was that of before – victory liner en route to cubao. He got off at paramount, walked a couple of meters, bumped into some people (most of which are lovely ladies) and boarded the city train. He got off at bone avenue station and traversed the path going to the office building. He was welcomed by the guards and saw the massive ocean of employees lining up for the elevator; it was lunchtime after all. It was a typical day for him; it’s as if he never left that sanctity for six months. But all that was about to change rather too abruptly and his day will take a drastic turn one could never expect.

the sound of the elevator resonates as he was now on the same floor of the same building for the same office six months ago. He felt no pressure nor any excitement as he walked down the dimly lit hallway decorated with a handful of conference rooms and countless lockers. He was at the southwing of the building where the rain is clearly visible and the drops are trickling down to the windows – very relaxing, very inviting and very tempting (to bathe). As he entered the door with bombarded Christmas decors, he frantically swayed his head back and forth with the hopes of seeing a couple of familiar faces but it was all for naught, to his dismay. He was approached by one of the admin team members – a guy roughly in his early to mid 20s, wearing that well-pressed sleeves and pants which he hates so much. He was shown his own cellar, rather his cube where he will “work” for the next couple of months or so.

Location: 10.08J
username: jexamine
password: jennilyn

Error: the system doesn’t recognize the username and password you entered. Please contact your administrator.

He almost threw a tantrum upon seeing the error message. Then it dawned to him that the system was not referring to his dragonica account (the game he’s been raving about for the last couple of months) and he laughed at himself for such idiocy. He took wendy and put his headphones on as he walked eerily sluggish toward the admin team to help him resolve his login. He was looking for someone that can give him a username and password (to remedy the boredom that he’s experiencing) but he found something more than what he bargained for. At the far-end of the floor, near the window where the rain is starting to quiet down, where the dew and drizzle is clearly visible on the glass, on cube 10.26J, there he saw someone… someone spacing out, with her hands firmly on her chin, eyes wide shut. Having a thick wavy locks, possessing a milky white of a skin, claiming a heart-shaped lips and a sensual eye, posing an intimidated aura, she was also listening to some tunes from her ipod. She slowly-opened her eyes while he on the other hand was outright stopped on his tracks. He never realized that he was now mesmerized by her – either her beauty or her EMO-ness. As she slowly opened her eyes, she caught him staring point blank at her. She wonders for a bit and clearly was clueless as to who the new blood was. She stared at him trying to dig deep in her memory bank if the person staring at her was someone he knows until she finally succumbed to defeat. She raised her hand and flicker her finger signaling him to come close to her. He was caught off guard and shook off the remaining cobwebs when he realized that she was calling him. He took a big gulp and then decided to take that one small step...

Monday, March 29, 2010

return to innocence: rated x

edits: none
subject: boss.kwini
location: tagaytay

“jex…… is that what you call yourself nowadays?” jeni quipped.
My eyes were gleaming with joy, my heart thundered and I felt a little exhilaration as I proudly nod.

“look at me, look into my eyes. You… do you honestly believe yourself about this – about the existence of this so called jex!? Do you expect me to just smile and pat you on the back for becoming this piece of garbage? I know and you know that this is a farce; that your so called jex is nothing more than a mere lie and illusion. Let me point out to you that you never was a/the jexamine right from the start and you will never ever be! “
My jaw just dropped and my eyes bulge as I hear her say this. I felt a sudden cold rush from deep within and I knew that this won’t be one of our usual conversations.

“look at me! You’re a disgrace! Right now, at this bench, the one sitting beside me is a pathetic excuse of a human being. Who the hell are you!? Give me back my xieghart (sh’ghart). The one that loves anarchy, the one who can forge cold and ruthless spear with his words, the one who’s so grim and mysterious. I don’t want you, hell I don’t even need you because you’re a wuss. It is very disheartening to say that I can’t even see a hint of him in you and I don’t know if he’s still there, somewhere within.

You never trusted anybody else that’s why you have a small, elite circle of friends. What happened to you!? You WERE a manipulator, a schemer – you’re the one pulling all the strings to make puppets out of everybody just for your personal enjoyment and satisfaction and yet now you’re…”

By sheer disappointment, jeni didn’t even bother mouthing what she was supposed to say next. Everything became silent and all we can hear were the crisp sound of the grass as people trample on them back and forth. The shade of the trees didn’t even help me to somewhat dodge the heat brought forth by the fusion of jeni’s rage and the weather’s fury. This is the very first instance that I heard these aggressive words from her. I somehow had the guts to take a glance in her eyes and all I can see was conviction personified. Jeni’s always behind me and never meddled with what my decisions are. She’s always calm, compose, collected and supportive so one can only imagine how stunned and speechless I was; how much of a shocker it was. As an eerie and desperate cry for resolve, all I can mutter was

“jeni, people change… sometimes in an unthinkable manner”

What happened next was… was unexplainable and utterly bizarre. Jeni, my jeni, stood up and with a dagger like gaze, she swung her arm and gave me a slap right in the kisser. It all happened so fast and yet so slow. It was like an 88-frame movie clip rolling for a mere 2 seconds. My ear was still ringing and I just didn’t know how to respond. My right hand slowly started to motion towards my right cheek as I feel the bitter sting of reality. I was humbled by the experience but jeni’s stance remains unfazed. I can feel the visions of the bystanders piercing right through me but one thing’s amiss – I didn’t even know what I did to deserve the “wrath of god”. The clubhouse was suddenly filled with silence and controversy until this sweet little girl came and handed my glasses that flew a couple of feet away.

Jeni began to somewhat calm down and returned to her original form

“xieg”, her voice is trembling “what you just said was unacceptable – what you just said was a whole lot of BS. Let me give you a refresher, it is you that said this to me before. You told me a few moons back that circumstance, environment and situations change but not people. You said that we are incapable of such. We merely adapt to what the sich presents. You, of all people, should know that… well at least what you WERE.”

The golden orange haze brought forth by what’s supposedly an intimate afternoon was belittled and overshadowed by jeni’s crimson angst and aggravation.

“when you were lethargic, when you were limping because of what happened between you and your jennesis, I was elated. Wanna know the reason behind it? It is simply because during those times that you became a hybrid – you became sadistic but compassionate; you became rude and evil but exudes goodliness from within; you’ve barricaded your hearts with barbed wires and yet you still opted to give love to those who are in need of them. During those times, my dear, that you became xieg and you made an instant exodus to the fantasy world.

That incident only reinforces your stand in people – to never trust them. After that bittersweet episode in your life, you began toying with people, a notch higher than what you usually do. What I love about it was the fact that you manipulated their consciousness and their emotions, making them believe what was otherwise. You were always one step ahead of everybody, emulating those that you regard as your role models in the upper echelon.”

I was taken aback at what she just said because every word that jeni’s throwing was undeniably dead-on. It reminded me how I loathe people; in fact, I despise every single one of them because they are all useless, miserable, expendable. The only purpose they serve in my life is to provide me with amusement, to toy with them and make them cry or feel worthless. Jeni’s trying to drive a point, no doubt about it, but it is only by this time that it became evident. I stood up and walked a few steps away from jeni but her words are persistently echoing and bouncing back and forth within my consciousness. I was extremely bothered that all of the dormant “what-if’s” deep in my skull started sprouting like daisies in the hidden mist. Then I began to divulge on the thought of what jeni’s trying to push within me. I began to realize that I became the person that I hate the most. I am already having doubts when I felt this little something hanging on my neck. No, it was not a choker as everyone was implying. It was the very first thing that someone gave me – a necklace from baguio city. Then it suddenly became apparent to me that what I was now was very much worth the journey, then a hint of smile graced my already worried expression.

I went back to the bench and held jeni by her shoulders.
“jeni, though I’ve changed a lot, one thing still remains – that I will hold on to my word. My promise is my life, you know that for a fact. Jeni, I promised someone that…. That I’ll wait for her, no matter what that means and no matter how long it will take. This is the reason that I’m trying to make you understand.”

Jeni’s eyes began to bulge; she was fuming as she forcefully removed my grasp from her shoulders. She again took a huge swing and slapped me in the face as tears were beginning to form from her eyes.

I remembered you promised a wedding to a certain Rachel before. If my memory serves me right, you actually proposed to her and she was so ecstatic about it. You’re actually making plans about it, from the number of people to invite all the way to the black and crimson motif. Now tell me, what happened to that huh!? Where’s the ‘my word is my life’ honor there huh!? If that ‘s part of you playing tricks to other people’s emotions then hats off to you but I doubt that that was the case.”

“I’m tired of this senseless blabbering. Unless you snap out of this jexamine persona, don’t you ever talk to me again. You’re asking for a bitch-slap from harle, from 7th-angel, from jennylicious well here it is. Am doing the stuff that they don’t have the balls to say and do. Don’t mind me, I’ll go home alone for some time, you should head back to your house too. Don’t bother checking up on me, we’re through!”

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

return to innocence

edits: none
location: nueva ecija

It’s been a while since I last set foot on eden – an epitome of solitude and serenity aptly named by 2 individuals. It’s been a while since I was lost in awe by the grandeur of the sunset’s orange haze. But most notably, it’s been a while since I last look at jeni the way I’m looking at her right now.

Jeni’s more than a friend; she’s more than a cohort. She’s the first to captivate my fragile, unstable heart and hold it in her warm and sweaty palms. I’ve written a post about her somewhere in here but that too was put in a miserable cryogenic slumber. She knows me very well and she can read me like a map that is why I am reluctant as I look into her eyes and her to mine. I didn’t even have the guts of talking to/about jeni if it weren’t for shan (yes! You remember him. Our protagonist in one kiss… one last time). I mustered all the courage I can gather and asked jeni for a stroll, much like reliving what was. Her innocent emerald eyes were lock deep into mine only to shy away from my humble request. Upon knowing this, I heard a couple of brittle parts in my body crack and cry. Frozen by perhaps utter disbelief and shock, the entity within me refused to digest what just happened. I cannot and will not accept any more rejection – not from the one that I love. I tried to keep myself in check – to act calm and collected but was soon followed by an enormous disappointing sigh. Like a fallen wrestler in the squared circle, I agonizingly turned my back from her but with my head still held up high. As I was about to take my eighth step towards the exit, I heard some subtle footsteps right behind me. I stopped, slowly turned around and saw my jeni in all her glamour as the wind accentuates her hair and the fragrance of the orchids playfully dances with the smile of both her eyes and lips.

We went to the subdivision’s clubhouse and sat on a nearby bench. This very same bench was where 2 individuals usually convene just to laze, talk and fool around. It is also in this bench where the 2 individuals made a pact – that they’ll be at each other’s side through hell and back. Knowing this intimate secret and the significance of the setting, Jeni felt especially uncomfortable and timid but I assured her that my eyes are only meant for her, especially for her. I realized that we have a lot of grounds to cover so I wasted little time to be in the story-teller-man mode. Jeni and I sat on that very same bench as I fired the opening salvo.

I started blabbering about tina. Tina’s the one helping me recuperate one baby step at a time. I gave her my trust, my time and my laugh. I appointed her as the one to brighten up my day, make me feel light and ecstatic. She single-handedly came up with the rainbow mails with which we talk about a lot of things. The more time I talk to her and the more time we exchange views, the more I became fond of her. At first, the rainbow mails were just a way to pass some time, but it became more than that as the day progresses. In mere days, she instantly became my harle and I was her joker; I was his topak and she was my toyo. She became an infinitely vital part of my day and my life that a day without her is totally meaningless. I didn’t hold back and told her how I feel – how empty it would be for me should I not hear from her even for a day. She understands and was sympathetic but we both understand, even without a written contract nor spoken words, that in due time, she will eventually need some rest. She was my bully and I was her scammer. Our personalities clash and yet we seamlessly complement one another. I was so engross of talking about my harle that by the time I took a glimpse in jeni’s eyes, I knew exactly what she was thinking which was then followed by somewhat of a devilish smirk.

Sunset is especially beautiful during these times. The clouds are covered with golden orange hue as they reflect on jeni’s emerald eyes.

“I love you so much jeni” suddenly came out of my mouth. It’s not that I don’t mean it, it’s just we were both caught of guard by the words, that I myself uttered. As she was getting ready to fix her hair into a ponytail, she caught me staring at her. Jeni’s the type that has the potential to standout in the crowd and top that with the fact that she’s friendly, I’ll give her that credit. But for some reason, she chose to stay with me in this god-forsaken journey toward oblivion.

As the sun was bidding adieu, I told her one important addition in my life – her name was leexl(li-sh'l). Leexl and I are yet to make beautiful music together and we’re just starting to feel each other. I, for one, admit that we are just on that friendship stage. I really and intimately wanna know her – who she is, what she’s like and how we can work things out.

“xieg, happiness is an understatement right now for me. I missed you so much and I longed for you. This leexl, make sure that she’s really worth your time. Make sure that this time around, she won’t falter nor ignore you. I love you so much and I pray that this leexl will love you as much, if not more than, as I do.” Jeni quipped.

I reached for jeni’s hand and felt the warmth that I almost forgot and I thought was forever lost.

“I’m back jeni.”

Monday, February 15, 2010

a dialogue with liezl: prologue to the end

edits: none
After buying all the paraphernalia that we would need, Liezl (Gab) and I took a midnight stroll to god-only-knows-where. I just told her that I love to write and I am poet in my own right. I gave her a taste of my creative speaking prowess but she was utterly disappointed. Right now, we are on an elevated ground where we can see the cosmetics the different buildings are wearing.

You can read the full story here.

12:48 a.m.
“simply breath taking” was all the words I can utter upon seeing the magnificent grandiose unfolding right before me. I spread my arms as wide as I can, closed my eyes shut and took a huge gulp of air to fill my senses. As if on cue, the wind suddenly blew right past by my face and for the first time in that entire night, my restless soul was finally put at ease. I slowly tucked my arms and opened my eyes – now wearing a better perspective on things. I turned my attention to Liezl with a seemingly rejuvenated faith. I can see her eyes glimmering from afar as the gap between us, literally and figuratively speaking, was slowly eradicating. I was now standing right in front of her, pause for a moment, and savor the sudden rush from the air that we both share. Slowly, my head moves forward until my cheek graced hers.

“thank you so much gab!” I whispered in one of the most humbling experiences I’ve ever felt.

Liezl was all too quiet while her eyes were tightly shut. I backed away to give back her personal space. I saw her took a chunk of air herself as she slowly opened her eyes. She didn’t say any word but I couldn’t and would never forget how she looked (at me). When she opened her eyes, she grabbed my right hand and “dragged” me towards a rusty and soiled bench.

1:18 a.m.
As awkward for me as it is, her head somehow found its way toward my shoulder. She’s leaning on me, depending on my shoulder for something intangible.

Jxmn: is something wrong?
Liezl: *in a hush tone*
Liezl: everything’s perfect.
Jxmn: then why are you like that?
Liezl: like what?
Jxmn: why are you so quiet all of a sudden?
Liezl: let solitude linger for both of us even just for a heart beat.

Emotional!? Yes! Sentimental!? Most definitely! Being true to liezl’s request, we just let time flew in perfect harmony, in resounding solitude.

1:48 a.m.
Half-alive, I suddenly found myself strumming liezl’s string of locks while she’s humming to the tune of Marc Enfoy’s Wistful Thinking. Whether in a trance or not, I saw a shooting star in rapid succession. I opened my mouth but the words themselves didn’t want to come out to not spoil our moment.

Jxmn: gab….
Liezl: hhhhmmmm?
Jxmn: my heart’s about to burst with all the witnesses that we have here.
Liezl: hhhhmmm?
Jxmn: look above you, look at the stars. They bear witness to where we are and what we are doing. They are heaven’s watchful eyes when the sun finally sings its lullaby.
Liezl: heaven?
Jxmn: not heaven, heaven but heaven as in the vast sky.
Liezl: that’s deep. I am now beginning to see you in a different viewpoint. You’re very, very different from the jex that I found in SM Mall of Asia.
Jxmn: hold that thought gab…

I hold liezl’s delicate head and slowly moved my deadly weapon of a shoulder away. My left hand can now feel the warmth of her right cheek, seeing eye to eye and sharing the same air once again as we both breathe. The grass-laden “field” danced to the tune of the soothing wind which made liezl’s elating scent lingers in the air all the way down to the rusty and soiled bench.

I pulled away from the bench and from liezl’s presence towards her mazda 6. There, I picked up a couple of red horse beer and a few chips for us to share. I then realized that I don’t drink – I have a very low alcohol tolerance level and gets easily wasted. I started to think and my feet agreed by refusing to walk – I then questioned my sanity and tried to run through and manipulate the events and scenarios that’s been happening until it eventually became acceptable to me.

Jxmn: here….
Liezl: I thought you don’t drink.
Jxmn: might as well right!? Besides, I can’t afford to have you wasted. Who would give me a ride home at this hour!?
Jxmn: *laughs*
Liezl: *quiet*
Jxmn+liezl: *opens a pair of booze, both quiet, both sitting next to each other.*
Jxmn: wish I brought my speakers. The only thing missing now is music and we can actually call this our first date.
Jxmn: *laughs*
Liezl: *quiet + took a sip of red horse*
Jxmn: ne, what’s wrong?! Did I miss anything?
Liezl: *took another gulp*
Jxmn: for sure you ain’t wasted yet so speak up.
Liezl: *looks at jxmn*
Jxmn: what!? Do I have something on my face?
Liezl: I hate you!
Jxmn: huh!? Wha?! What I do?
Liezl: I don’t want you here.
Jxmn: *startled + stunned + jaw drop*
Liezl: I really hate you!
Jxmn: then you shouldn’t have talked to me at Mall of Asia. You shouldn’t have asked me to fix the gun. You shouldn’t have…….
Liezl: *interrupts jxmn*
Liezl: I want the jxmn I was with a couple of heart beats ago.
Jxmn: *speechless*
Liezl: I want him! The one that touched my face. The one that whispered in my ear. The one I lean on.
Jxmn: *drinks some more*
Liezl: for a moment there, I saw past your “angas” look. Why do you have to play it cool?
Jxmn: gab…………
Liezl: ……….
Jxmn: I thank you for bringing me here, for uplifting my beaten body. I like you, I like you a lot and I love you so much because you made me smile and made me happy.
Liezl: *turned her eyes away from jxmn and looks at horizon beyond.*
Jxmn: it’s just that, I am afraid of getting and being comfortable with anybody else.
Liezl: *in a hush tone*
Liezl: why?
Jxmn: bad things happen
Liezl: try me
Jxmn: ooohhh gab…. You are the most revered and the highest amongst all the angels
Liezl: just try me
Jxmn: *deep breath*

2:08 a.m.
Jxmn: I’ve asked this to a dozen people already and I’m gonna ask you now. Look up in the sky, what do you see?
Liezl: moon, stars, planes
Jxmn: stars. Why do you think they’re there? I mean what’s their use?
Liezl: *thinks*
Jxmn: I’ve asked numerous people already and got different opinions – ranging from the most common to the totally bizarre and unpredictable.
Liezl: the stars represent the ones that we love as well as those who need us.
Jxmn: hhmmm… never heard that one before.
Liezl: those fainted and on the brink of disappearing are those that need us while those shine the brightest are the people we love. Look! See that star over there!? That one! The one next to that one!? That star is you! That’s who you are in my life. You’re burning really bright. You hardly notice the star beside that one – which is me.
Jxmn: wait. You’re the faint one? Why? How come?
Liezl: because I need you to keep me in check – to keep me illuminating amidst all the uncertainties and adversaries.
Jxmn: *holds gab’s hand*
Jxmn: gab, I’ll always be here for you. Come hell or high water, I’ll never leave you and I’ll never let anything or anyone shut you off.
Liezl: never make promises you can’t keep.
Jxmn: I know! And I have no intention of letting that happen
Liezl: *smile*
Liezl: I’ll hold on to your word then
Jxmn: that’s a promise.

2:38 a.m.
Liezl: jex, when do you think a lady’s the prettiest?
Jxmn: ala my sassy girl?
Liezl: yeah
Jxmn: *thinks*
Jxmn: I agree with what gyeon woo said. I think a girl’s at her best and at her loveliest when she’s playing an instrument with all her heart and with all her soul – like a piano or a violin or drums.
Liezl: what about when she’s naked? Or in a bed having sex?
Jxmn: I don’t believe in sex. I only believe in making love. Nowadays, people do it for all the wrong reasons. They thought that it’s the in-thing or a fad or machismo stuff, but it’s not. It’s the greatest gift that you can ever give to the one you love. Being whole and feeling your whole being – sharing that to your someone and letting him/her in to your soul.
Liezl: the righteous one, I see
Jxmn: not really. I just don’t want to do it for the wrong reason.
Liezl: alam mo ba na in this age, in this generation, nobody talks like that anymore.
Jxmn: yeah! I know.
Liezl: how do you do it?!
Jxmn: do what?!
Liezl: how come when I look into your eyes, you make me feel that you’re mine!? You make me feel as if I am the only one you see, that I am the only girl for you?! That all of those words are only meant for me and me alone!?
Jxmn: *utter silence*
Jxmn: I’m good with words. It’s what I do best.
Liezl: so I noticed. But tell me now, am I beautiful?
Jxmn: *took one more gulp and finally finished the 1 can of redhorse*
Jxmn: gab……

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

v5:leukemia - prologue

edits: none

“what are you doing topak!? You’re lucky am not there! I would’ve smashed your head against the wall so you can finally sleep. Please naman, get some rest dude”
- text from boss.tina

“dude are you insane!? Seriously, for how many hours/days have you been awake? How many hours do you plan ba!?”
– chat from ser.valefor

“ang worry ko e ikaw. This is very unlikely of you and I know for a fact that this is not who you are. Napaka-negative mo. What happened? This is not you. I can see that you’re trying but I know deep inside na sad ka”
– chat log from masi

I decided to make a prologue entry to the imminent release of my v5. What is v5 all about!? Hhmm… v5 doesn’t signify the demise of v4:rebellion but rather its metamorphosis – an amplification of raw rage, the anticipation of the things looming over that blurred line of living and whatnot. I don’t wanna put too much detail into this entry because frankly, the caption tells it all.

After many sundowns and moonless nights, who would’ve thought that it will all come down to this…

“Leukemia (British/Canadian English: leukaemia) (Greek leukos λευκός, "white"; aima αίμα, "blood") is a cancer of the blood or bone marrow and is characterized by an abnormal proliferation (production by multiplication) of blood cells, usually white blood cells (leukocytes). Leukemia is a broad term covering a spectrum of diseases. In turn, it is part of the even broader group of diseases called hematological neoplasms.”
– wikipedia.org

Initially, it was supposed to be v5:premature leukemia but it kinda sucks.

“enough said. Go figure”
– quote from boks