RE: pure and crimson

edits: none
subject: some flower that i dont know

Us humans share a lot of common things with other stuff… take one these cornelia. I happen to have an amazing talent of talking both to animate and inanimate objects and I’d like to share what went on their conversation.

For everyone’s benefit, we’ll use pure (white cornelia) and crimson (red cornelia) as their names.

Pure: we’ve been like this for quite a while now huh!?
Crimson: …..
Pure: we’ve been facing the opposite directions for quite some time now.
Crimson: …
Pure: I know that you know that we were never like this. You very much knew once upon a time that we were inseparable. That you yourself told me that you still need me. And yet look at the shit that we are in right now.
Crimson: who the fuck do you think you are to tell me such shits?! You have no fucking idea what I went through before and what am going through right now.
Pure: to hell with that! I am here now aren’t I and I am not goin anywhere. You know what your problem is!? You think that you can handle it all! I was like that… once… until I met you, crimson. You taught me how to trust others, how to open myself to you and share my life. Just tell me what the problem is and lemme help.
Crimson: pure, my dearest ally, lemme share a secret to you. I was never crimson from the start. I was once white like yourself. But I’ve been to so many shits and the last shit was the worst that had ever came that I bled and bled over and over again! The sun’s rays*I cannot feel and my feeling’s became ill. My fragrance was lost and am slowly dying. I bled and bled until I became the crimson that you now see.
Pure:…
Crimson: but during those days, you came into my life to help me stand up. Although I am crimson, a bloody red in color, that didn’t deter you from helping me so I wanna thank you for that. But now, what we have in our hands is a very different shit from what we had before.
Pure:…
Crimson: you became special to me and I to you. I became your life and I just can’t forgive myself if I am to hurt you. Pure, lemme just face this direction. It might be for a while but if the time comes that I never looked back, don’t wait for me anymore.
Pure: crimson, my heaven, I understand now that we are so different and yet so alike. Lemme share my secret with you. I was never the pure that you see now. I was once the most bloody red of all the cornelias. But when I met you, I became whole, I became complete and I started to live. You taught me so many things and showed me amazing stuff. Wanna know how and why I became white?
Crimson: ….
Pure: it was all because of you.
Crimson: ….
Pure: I shed tears that I couldn’t believe that I was capable of. I cried and cried every single night because of you! Until one day, I woke up and be the pure that you know.
Crimson: ….
Pure: before you face that direction, lemme ask this question again to you: do you still need me!?
Crimson: …
Pure: will all these be in vain?! will i wait for nothing?
Crimson: ...
Pure: *bleeding*

"crimson: i bled and bled before (because of someone) that i became bloody red

pure: i shed tears over and over again, because of you, that i became clean white"

outburst

edits: none
model: jxmn (after losing the do)

D na talaga ako makatiis, ayoko ng manahimk, ayoko ng ngumiti na parang walang nanyari at ayoko ng makipag-usap na paranag d ako nasaktan. Sa ilaw ng tahanan nagsimula ang lahat, sumunod ang haligi at ang mga utol.

Ang ilaw na tanging sarili lamang ang pinapakinggan, ang ilaw na sinaktan ako ng lubusan, ang ilaw na iniisip lang DAW ay ang aking kapakanan. Papano masasabi na kapakanan ko lang ang iniisip mo e ni hindi mo nga ako kilala. Alam mo ba kung kelan ako may problema!? Alama mo ba kung kelan ako pressured!? Since kelan mo pa inisip ang kapakanan at nararamdaman ko!? Iniisip mo ba talaga ang kaligayahan ko o ang magiging kaligayahan mo!?

Sumunod ang haligi na para sa akin ay napakahina ng pundasyon. Ang haligi na akala ko ay pwede kong masandalan ngunit kagaya ng ilaw, ni hindi nag-aksaya ng panahon para magtanong kung ano ang nanyayari sa akin.

Last but not the least, ang dalawang utol – ang mga utol na walang ginawa kundi sumagap ng tsismis tungkol sa kanya at sa akin. Bakit mas naniwala pa kayo sa ibang tao!? Pwede nyo naman itanong sa akin… wala ba kayong tiwala sa aking mga sasabihin?

Kayong lahat – ang ilaw ng tahanan, ang haligi at ang mga utol – kayong lahat ang sumira ng buhay ko! Papano nyo masasabi na mahal nyo ko gayong sinaktan nyo naman ako ng ganito. Kung mahal nyo ko, ni hindi sasagi sa isip nyo na saktan ang taong pinakamamahal ko – ang tangin tao na nagbibigay ng saya sa akin – kase alam nyo kung magiging gaano kasakit yun para sa akin. Putangina naman ayaw nyo ba akong maging maligaya!? Walang naging problema sa akin at sa kanya, kayo ang nagin problema sa paghahadlang nyo. Kung ang pakay nyo ay sirain ang kaligayhan ko well congrats naman sa inyo dahil nagtagumpay kayo… mabuhay kayo!! Fuckin’ shit! Wala kayong pakialam sa buhay ko! Buhay ko ito e, d nyo naman ito buhay! Mula dito, gagawin ko ang mga bagay na gusto kong gawin ng hindi nakakaramdam ng guilt nor remorse.

Wala ng saysay ang pagkakaroon ng trabaho, wala ng saysay ang pagngiti, wala ng saysay na buksan ang mata, wala ng saysay para mabuhay pa at wala ng silbi ang lahat… pati buhay ko. D nyo ba napapansin kung gaano ako kasaya pag kasama sya!? Ay syet, wala nga pala kayong pakialam pag dating sa kanya. Sya ang pinakamagandang panyayari sa buhay ko pero bakit d nyo yun Makita!? D nyo nga ba talaga makita or sadyang ayaw nyo lang tingnan at aminin sa sarili nyo!? Ngayon, wala na! Wasak na! Para saan pa ang chance na ibibigay nyo!? Apakagaling nyo talaga! Fuck! At dahil sa ginawa nyo, binitiwan ko na ang karapatan ko para mabuhay. Ibibigay ko na lang kay kuya Ver ang natitirang lifespan ko para makabalik ulet sya dito at para naman mas magamit ng kapaki-pakinabang ang buhay. Galit na galit at inis na inis ako sa inyo! Bakit kinailangang humantong sa ganito ang mga panyayari? Bakit kailangan nyo pang gawin at sabihin ang mga bagay na ginawa at sinabi nyo!? Wag nyo nang itanong yung mga bagay na sa sarili nyo e alam nyo mismo ang kasagutan.

Walang diyos! Dahil kung merong diyos, sana inisip nyo muna bago nyo ginawa. Sana binigyan ako ng diyos ng pamilya na supportive. Sana binigyan ako ng pamilya na alam kung saan, papano at kanino ako liligaya. Oo! Sakim ako! Dahil alam ko kase na kaligayahan at buhay ko na ang nakapusta ditto.

Ngayon kung balak nyong gawing miserable at walang kwenta ang buhay ko, wag kayong mag-alala, d ko na kelangan ang tulong nyo dahil AKO MISMO SISIRAIN KO ANG KINABUKASAN KO.

"DI KO NA KAYA DAHIL SWA NA KO SA BUHAY
DI KO NA KAYA MINSA'Y GUSTO KO NANG MAMATAY"

left hanging

edits: none
subject: mango (ddddduuuuuhhhh)
location: mango farm!?


“by the way, my name’s Gabriel.”

I was in utter disbelief when I heard her say this. Is fate toying with me once again!? What are the odds that a stranger will call at night?! Probably fairly high. But what are the chances that this stranger’s name is that of the one’s in my dream?!

“hello!? Are you still there?” as she double checks.

As retard as I am, I told her
“am sorry… what was your name again!?”

“Gabriel. Want me to spell that out for you!?” she said while laughing.

Then I told Gabriel about the dream that I had. I had to speed things up for I felt that we haven’t much time.

“what are the odds of that!?” she fondly said after all the things were said and done.
“so are you saying that I am this Gabriel? Deliverer of your pain and anguish?!”

“on the contrary” as I told her
“right now, on this gloomy day, you actually gave me a reason to smile. By the way I am je…”

and I was left hanging as the phone beeps. Our time was up just when I was about to tell her my name. I am clueless as to what to do next. One part is bugging me to call her but the flip-side is saying “hold on romeo”. I was staring point blank on my phone when my fingers reminded me of my coffee. It has the same distinct aroma only this time around, it tastes that much sweeter. My mind is poking at me – feeding me with a lot of images and what if scenarios of this new found Gabriel

“does she only have one wing like me!?” as I started a monologue
“or was she able to finally fly only to have her wings broken in the end?”

beyond borders, across that horizon, a gabriel actually exists and found her way into my life. I took a sip of my coffee when I felt a vibrating thingy and I anticipated as the phone showed the ID

“sori we got cut-off. Am at work ryt now but feel free 2 txt me if u have some time. By the way stranger hehe can I have ur name?”

normal situation would be automatic – I’ll give her my name and stuff but I paused and think and started a monologue yet again

“which name to give her? Certainly not jayp nor japz – too lame. Jexamine and jex are of significant value to me. Hhhhmmmm… so which one!?”

being indecisive that I am, it took me a couple of minutes to properly compose a message that actually has sense.

“angel, you can call me jex”
then I pressed send. Immediately, I found myself reading her reply.

“ANGEL?!”

Aaminin ko
Sa lahat ng taong nandirito
Aaminin ko
Ikaw pa rin ang hinahanap ko

jasminum sambac

edits: adobe lightroom preset (sorry, too lazy)

"when this flower wither, that's the time i'll let you go. when this flower dies, so does my love for you. when this flower lost its significance, so does my existence to you... and there's no more reason to live..."

"probably i was the rain in my previous life and i hope when i die, i will be with my brethren once more. whenever you hear its drops, whenever you feel the drizzle always remember that its my way of saying "am right here... always... and only for you""


My life is not worth living
This song is not worth singing
My heart has stopped beating
For ‘tis no longer raining

The jexamine had been fed dearly
Showing its prowess and true beauty
As the remaining drops fell to its tips
It’s as if sending his last kiss

The darkness is furiously fighting light
His instincts telling him to survive
The rain wants to stay a little longer
Until this jexamine doesn’t need water

Rain finally succumbs to sunlight
It had been the tandem of jexamine and light
Cold and soothing raindrops was his last effort
And the darkness was suddenly shut off

As the rain cloud disappear
On his mind is his jexamine
He’s just an empty hollow thing
Crippled and is now slowly dying

chains of an oath

Edits: none

Hesitantly, I answered the phone…

“hello!?” in a somewhat baffled tone.

I couldn’t hear anyone from the other end. I took a glimpse on my phone to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. Moments passed and still no answer. Those 18 seconds felt like a lifetime and am getting really drowsy until I heard a sobbing tone followed-up with a deep sigh…

“hello!? Are you alright!? Look, its 3 a.m. and my eyes are killing me. Whatever’s bothering you, it’s life’s way of reminding us that we are human beings. If you don’t have anyone to hold on to, you can believe in me. Trust me to pick-up the phone and answer your call each and every time ayt!?”

I was startled myself on the things that I said and how I handled the phone call. After hearing my piece, the other person disconnected the line. As I was getting ready for my trance, my phone beeped once more…

“I’m sori 4 being a bother. Tnx for the heartwarming words. Ill hold on to ur pramis…”

The first few lines of the message is what struck me – am sorry for being a bother… I imagined that this person must be in dire situation right now and badly needs someone. After reading the message, I became restless. I tossed and turned but to no avail. I fought the urge of answering her message for the reason I myself don’t know.

The morning drizzle soothes my tense body and the gloomy clouds telling me to get up. It was 8 a.m. in the morn as mr. clock reminded me. I sit idly by the porch as I wait impatiently for the storm surge. The sweet aroma of my coffee and top that with doing nothing is the best way to kill time during this nostalgic weather. Flashback – I then thought about my dream… about the single-winged Gabriel, the deathscythe and the meteor storm. I was lost in my own delusion when I heard that all too familiar of a tone…

“hello” as I was taking a sip of my coffee.

There was no response from the other end until…

“anou… I was the one that called you earlier”

My jaw dropped when I heard HER voice. It’s as if inviting me to get to know her better. It was a shy and hesitant voice but somehow I felt that there is something needed to be done.

“this is just for 20 minutes…” she added.
“I just wanna say thank you for picking-up last night and saying those words.”

“don’t sweat it. I think anybody would’ve done the same thing if they were in my situation.” I told her in a cool tone.

“yes! They would have done just that but the way you sez those words last night, I was moved to my core. I felt that you mean what you sez. You’re a good person and am glad that I called you.”

“really!?” to my surprise “how can you tell!? We just talked once.”

“it doesn’t matter. I just do…” she told me in a hush and comforting tone.

Utter silence followed… I am not sure as to what’s happening but she made me feel better in this gloomy and nostalgic day.

“before we get cut-off” she said breaking the solidarity of the moment…
“I work in ortigas so if by chance you’re somewhere near the area, maybe we can have a coffee sometime”

“eehhhh… well I work in pioneer center at boni… well actually my start date will be on the fourth week of this month” I told her.

“really!?” to her amazement.
“I insist that we have lunch or a coffee…it’s my way of saying thank you…”

“I haven’t done anything to help you but I’ll take you on your offer” I said in a sarcastic tone…

“so it’s a deal then…. By the way” as she continued
“my name is GABRIEL”

Take your time i wont go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

crossing over

Edits: none

I felt that I needed to breathe but the sudden surge of air isn’t enough to fill this gapless void in my empty lungs. I wanted to stand up, do something… only to find out that I am now crippled and beaten to a bloody pulp until my soul itself was exposed to her merciful hands. Now, I lay here wasted with my head facing the heavens and waiting for Gabriel to smite me with his final shot. To my surprise Gabriel, having only one wing, gave me a cold stare and flew away. I was baffled for I’ve been longing for the final lightning to strike and yet here I am now, alone in this god-forsaken world.

“Was I left here to rot?” I started wondering.

Will this be my punishment for the things that I did!? The scenery ain’t pretty – there were no lush greens but rather a mountain-pile of skulls, battle-laden bodies and war-torn aspirations. There was nothing I can do. As I cry for help, countless maggots started crawling out of my mouth but it didn’t deter me from screaming, hoping that someone will hear my desperate cry. I’ve used up everything and yet my voice didn’t reach anyone or anything for that matter. All I can hear is the howling wind imposing what is imminent to happen. As I opened my eyes, the heavens lashed out a different shade. Afar, I can hear the thunders roll as the lightning struck in perfect synchronization. The light flashes as my face was covered with both light and dark hue. A smile beckons in my face as I longed for the first drop to rid me from the filth accumulated throughout my days. Beyond the horizon, my eyes spotted the very first drop but it was unlike anything that I hoped for. The first drop flaunts a crystal trail with a golden yellow glow. At first I thought my eyes was deceiving me. I tried to focus as hard as I can and fixated on this strange and eerie droplet. Crimson crows suddenly flew in unison as the lightning struck the land for the second time. Not far, the second droplet can be seen boasting a royal blue color. Not a moment too soon, the sky was filled in a dazzling display of color and fashion. I anticipated the first drop as well as the second until it finally made a touchdown. This made the battle-weary bodies shriek in agony. Without warning, the gloomy land was quickly set ablaze. There was nothing I can do as the fire slither near my broken wing. As if on cue, Gabriel intervened with his deathscythe (not far away) to which many have fallen. He spoke not a word and his face was as cold as hell as he motioned to his scythe. Helplessly, I struggle to breathe and explain my cause but to no avail. He raises his arm and this bullet of a rain stabbed my already broken heart that sets me on fire from the inside out. Not a word I muttered but my heart tirelessly scream from the agonizing pain. As Gabriel motioned for the end, he whispered something in my ear...

“this is all your doing” he sez...
“and this is only the beginning… prepare for my wrath” he continued...

He motioned opposite of me with his scythe firmly on his hand. A few ticks later, he took his stance as the royal crimson blood pours down from my eyes.

“So this is how crossing over feels like” I sez to myself.

With just a blink of an eye and a flash of light, I found the deathscythe buried deep into my skull with Gabriel flying away in his single angel wing. The next thing I knew, my phone was blinking on and off, dancing to the tune of low of solipsism.

“It was a dream!?” as I somehow try and make sense of what’s happening.

My attention then turned to the shallow blinking light and I just saw some fancy numbers. At 3 a.m. in the morn, who could be calling at a time like this?! I hesitantly reached for my phone and answered the call…

“hello!?”

Take a good look at me now, cos i'll still be standing here

and you coming back to me is against all odds

it's the chance i've gotta take

- phil collins